I didn’t realize this blog was still up! Just knocking to see if anyone is still here and wants to continue this blog.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 25,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 6 Film Festivals
She kept quite…
She wanted to scream,
She’s been alone….
She drank her tears
She wanted to pour her heart
She did not say sorry,
Lest she be considered weak.
She put up a stern face,
She said, I am fine.
The hollow in her mind did not
Let her take a breath of assurance.
She knew she was not fine,
It was hard for to run, further
She wanted the soul that said
‘I am yours and lets be together.’
She had all that she could ask for
But it was own ignorance that made
Her lose the battle that she fought up.
She made faces, cried hysterically
Sneered at all opportunities, ridiculed
Called names…made a huge cry!!
All she did hoping that whatever she did
Will bring the soul mate for her closer
Now she cant bear the separation
I can hear, her cry that solitary cry.
That reaches me from all corners
It says, ‘Let me be me…I don’t care who you are?’
Give me back what was with me….
Who are you to take it anyway?
In her cry, I see the pride of winning a race
A very long time ago……!
“Do you need a boy or girl?”
“What!!” -Yes, two exclamation marks, one each for the curiosity of her pair of eyes – “usually mom needs a boy and dad prefers a girl child. Why it is different here?”
“Do you really need an answer?”
“Of course yes, you idiot”
“Ok. I don’t want to love any other female in this world other than you not even in the form of my own daughter. Got it”
After a long pause and pierced through her eyes into each and every cell of my body, she replied – “I love you”.
Raj is sitting in silence now. He doesn’t talk to anyone. He stares at the wall and keep thinking the above conversation again and again. He is looking into the picture now where Shweta is sitting behind the steering wheel of the car and look at him so dearly. He can’t resist anymore and he starts crying.
“Where are we going now?”
“Shwe, I have an appointment with my customer today. I need to be back ASAP”
“I know. But today is your birthday and you promised me”
“Yep. I do know that. But please keep it in mind that i must go to my customer meeting at 5 PM”
“Ok busy boy. I know you love money. I will release you soon. You nasty rich boys”
Her body arrived. The walls echoed the weep of a few. Shweta – no – her body smiles though the life said good-bye to it. At the church, the relatives are running alongside to see her in the coffin. Raj stand behind the coffin and nobody ask him to move and respect the deepest sorrow in him. The funeral begins.
“What, are we in whitefield?”
“Yes. Get down my prince”
“Is this some kind of orphanage “ – a young woman carrying a blind child out of the building named ‘Vidyashram School for Homeless people’
“Yes. Here i know you don’t get the money but peace. I need the kids wish on your birthday to make them happy and you as well”
“Wow. I got the surprise now. I found the new age Mother Teresa now”
“Never mind about your sarcastic complement. I know you are good at heart”
“Ok. What can i do now?”
“We are having our lunch here and cut the cake amidst of all the children here”
“Deal. I am doing this for you”
After the Christian doctrine of Trinity, her body is buried. The cemetery is made of rocks and there is boulder on graves. Everything looks like a dream now. The day Raj meets Shweta, the day he proposed, the day she agreed, the three whole years of happiness together, everything seems to be over. Raj never liked anyone as Shweta.
“Raj, this place is wonderful”
“I know. This is my turn to surprise you”
“I haven’t seen Leela Palace from inside”
“Yep. I made it for you. I and my friends ordered this dining room and lit the candles everywhere to make it more romantic. The cuisine here is prepared by the specialized Italian chef with utmost caution”
“Hmmm.. why you fond of the expensive things all the time?”
“Shwe, this is me. I never ask you anything in that orphanage. So don’t ask me anything here. Isn’t it wonderful to have birthday on the same day and celebrating it in a different way?”
“Yes. I ask you only this year to come to the orphanage. I strongly feel that i have to bring you here. I don’t know why.”
“Love is everywhere Shwe”
“May be, but i think the kids like you so much and don’t you look at their joy when you distribute the chocolates?”
“Yes. But i don’t feel any. Ok. Change the topic. How is the food?”
Raj noticed many people that he is not aware of in the ceremony. Most of them are weeping like a child and it clearly suggests that demise of Shweta’s departure to the eternal world. Raj certainly knows her relatives and quite surprised to see many people here than her relatives. He seems to understand that Shweta earned a lot of respect and love in all over Banglore.
“Raj, i need to go”
“Ok. I am sad. But this is necessary. I am glad you make it”
“Yes. I am happy either. Journalism course in New York seems awesome”
“True. I will certainly come and see you quite often in NYC”
“You must idiot. We will celebrate our birthday together in NYC”
“I don’t think NYC has any orphanages”
“Argh.. enough, you will realise it one day”
Shweta is dead. All left is memories. The quite carelessness of hers cost her life while crossing the street in NYC. The erstwhile Journalist of india is erstwhile human being now. Sometimes love is not everyone wanted.
Raj drives his Audi to whitefield on December 19. He reached the orphanage and wants to celebrate (!) his birthday here in the memory of Shweta. He distributed the chocolates and his eyes are filled with tears. A girl approached him and she slices her chocolate into two and gave one to him. Raj is stunned. Who taught her these manners – she does not tolerate his tears and she offers him the share of her chocolate. Raj asked her,
“What is your name?”
It’s three years since I joined my company!
Yes, that’s the first expression that I got on my face. I wondered “Should I be happy that I have completed three years under a manager who approves leaves but not our grieves. Perhaps he has his own stuff to take care of but then, there have been complaints folded neatly in the heads of our HR and the other designations which are not taken care of.”
Well.. that would hurt my heart again so I decided not to behave like an unfortunate being and see the brighter side of the three years of the 10-12 hours spend every day
So, that makes it 705 days or 8460 hours.
And, these hours, minus the grief there have been many happy hours. The joy of working on what you love–The sharing of grief with colleagues from diverse backgrounds or the lessons learnt from them.
Be it Karuna from whom I have learnt that one must chill, anyway, not be tensed or Malaica to be as you are and never change for anyone or Shaily to laugh it off and take things with a pinch of salt or Soumma to juggle so well.
I have not been particularly successful in getting rewarded like I do occasionally in my writing world, where the reward is based on the writing, purely and with each rejection I get motivated to improve, but I have received many consolation prizes like wonderful people who have been with me despite my shortcomings, the colleagues who never judge me and genuinely feel happy for my work being selected elsewhere.
Been blessed to learn so many lessons through humiliation and through disgust but then they have bettered me as a human and also helped me understand the various things I should not be bothered about.
A friend once said “why waste your life in doing something you cannot. Instead sharpen your pencil and motivate yourself to do what you love.”
I feel it is so true! My aim here is not to make my supervisors happy with other sorts of “maska chaska” but to better myself. I have had many chances to be dishonest but I luckily stopped my temptation.
Today was another instance of the same. Am glad I honestly went up to my manager and disclosed a mistake that took place. Am sure it happened due to my lack of motivation but a mistake is still one.
Anyway, like I promised, today I shall waste no time in thinking what could have happened or what can I do, rather I promise myself to do continuously what I love despite rejections and despite humiliation.
I am a student in this open school called life and every remark/failure would be a lesson. It doesn’t matter where I end up as I know I’ll be happy at the end of the journey.
If I receive some accolades, that’s great.
Else, I shall move on and not simply, wait.
A few pics of the silly things we did :P!
And, officially my 3rd anniversary at thomson reuters in on 7th July. Another post on my blog[http://nivuuuuu.blogspot.com] by then soon
What happens in when people of varied age groups and different parts of India with different tastes get together?
They either sit in smaller groups and enjoy among themselves or they become individuals…this is a common feature, but our office trip which had about 20 odd people proved all the said features to be ridden from the surface of earth.
You ask me how that can be; there will always be differences…blah…blah…blah. Read on…!
We started on early Friday morning…..and then picking up people on the way we hit the highway at about 8.10 am. We stopped for breakfast and refreshing ourselves, as some of us had started very early that morning and were still sleepy, due to our own comforts of life. So the refreshments had really rejuvenated the souls and there was fun thereafter.
We got into the bus and resumed our journey, after a sumptuous breakfast, filling the growling tummies, people were resting heavy on the chairs of the bus…so it was time to wake them up.
The music could not be switched on, so we resolved to people singing and dancing with loads of masti and fun. That broke the initial hiccups of ice-breaking and kind of everybody loosened up.
The reluctant people also gave up seeing others and broke into the mood. Thus, rolling in laughter and fun and pulling each others leg longer than usual, we reached the place and then it was only food on our minds till we saw the scenic river….!
I and my friend initially took a walk down the river and attempted to touch the waters but then beaten by the drizzle to the sudden rain we had to trace our feet back to the hut that we were supposed to share for the night.
The rain stopped and the whole lot of people wanted to take turns to the river, this time too we joined and could not wet our feet in the water.
We both took an oath saying, “We will break the Jinx…either together or separately, and we will see that the foot is dipped in the water.”
Thus, we got into playing various games such as, carom, shuttle, and cricket along with the different cameras clicking the beauties.
There were loads of men, who surrounded the ladies who were very less in comparison to the men folk, and they had to crave for attention amongst the few.
Some men did not bother to disturb the beauties…though each one of us was in different shape, size and color. So the variety was the essence of attention. 😉
I wished I wasn’t married coz I was the only lady who was married and that made me ‘a species in its own territory’. Well, all good things don’t come in good packages. So had to be fine with what was offered to me, but even though I did not want to be addressed as ‘AUNTY’, I kept my share of vengeance by calling that same person, ‘UNCLE…’! 🙂
That became the way of addressing for both of us for the one and half day we spent together. I was also thinking it was getting a little boring when there was no much attention, one as I was married and the other as it is there is no much chance of doing things that were being done….?!
I don’t understand the fact how is that married men still do feel it comfortable to pursue younger women, but the Good Looking and Smart Women, like me are avoided for a simple reason as such as marriage. Well, will address this later; let me get on with the writing of my experience.
Just then when I thought I was getting bored, people were already lying on bed, sleeping and catching a nap, some talking about their own experiences, explaining the beauty of the place, and all varied kind of talks, it became evening and the tea got served.
We had tea and settled down for rounds of talks, some went in to refresh, change in to more comfortable clothes, become prettier, and things like that went on and we gathered around for fun games.
The games were real fun and it actually made things even easier for us to mingle and break the little bit of inhibitions that we had.
Suddenly, I heard my name from all corners and I felt much needed, and then there was a round of singing songs, and I too rendered a romantic song, battered as much as I can.
I finished and I could really see a very few listened to me. I did not know that many had listened as I heard more claps join, but was wondering did they ever listen to me to just joined to clap.
The ignited camp fire was blistering away with its golden red and yellow streaks…with streams of hot air blowing our way; we were sitting closer to it. With its smoke hitting us we sat there to listen to the songs, that were sung, the talks and discussions, that went on.
Somebody out of the blue, said, ‘I can’t say this, coz, there are girls’. We all girls got curious and wanted to know what it was. We tried our best to pull it out from the horse’s mouth but could not due to over burdening of crowd. So, that still remains to be settled, we need to know what is that – that is about the Symbiosis Girls…! 😉
Now the setting sun and the onset of night brought the colored bottles out and it got drowned through the men’s throat and it added vigor to the silent night.
The real fun started after this…we girls had wanted to do a trek in the night as it was part of the package. But, as we heard it from the resort authorities, we needed to book the guided person before the evening sets in or as soon as we come in. We did neither of it and it was considered a risk to be doing on our own.
The authorities said, “If you guys are fine with the risk involved, you can go around with lamps, lanterns and torches…we will provide. You can take a walk along the river-side…”
The men are every ready with task that can question their ability and the fear factor…and when influenced by the inebriated spirits…you don’t have to ask. 🙂
What is more surprising is that the five ladies who were there were willing to give away everything on these people’s word…how is that?
When they clearly know that they can’t even take care of themselves in danger, how are they going to take care of so many delicate darlings at a single time…? Whatever, I was reluctant at first and then being skeptical, I joined the group, unless I am left out from all the fun and frolic…and did not want to be the one left all alone in the Hut of Ours, for the night and hear to all the taunts later when they come back.
Nevertheless, I decided to join them…! The fun part was yet to start…! It was about 11.30 pm when we finally came to go on our walk…with a lantern that good hardly lighten the way till few yards and a torch that can only light your feet and nothing else…! 😉
So, about 13 guys and six ladies, join for the Night Walk, though not in the same order, but I name them here, less they won’t know who they were…!! 😉
It was Vikram, Zabeer, Purna, Vishal, Indarjith, Dinesh, Vasu, Venkatesh, Prakash, Sumit, Visheesh, Ravi, Raghu and all the six beauties set on their walk…with the little light that could guide the way. We all gathered outside the barricade that brings us into the wild and leave behind the civilized parts of the world.
As it is the fear of standing unprotected with a whole of group of inebriated spirits beyond recognizing themselves…wasn’t enough Visheesh, the He-Man of the group says, proudly, “I saw a snake crawl by into the bushes there…where?” God, only knows everything in the front is only shadows of bushes.
We had to believe him…I hear a call out for my name and they say, we will follow, Kavitha for reasons known to him…I could not pin point who was it but, then going with the chorus, I led the whole bunch…!
I like an Aaj Tak correspondent, hoping that it might scare the people who want to walk…Start rolling the camera…Announce…Listen people, “Our Correspondent, Visheesh ji has spotted a snake crawl into the bushes on your right, during the broad day light, so there more chances of finding it in large numbers as it is night time, I request all of us to be in the group and walk along with the group so that we avoid crossing their paths or our paths..”
I don’t know who heard me or not…I was/will stick to the group and not be left alone…! 😉
I was wrong when I said, Ok, coz I thought they all are spirit-fully up for tasks would listen to me…No, I was proved wrong, each one had a direction and the rest did not mind where they were going…as it is the guys were not enough I had tough time maintaining the girls…they wanted to be let loose and roam as and how they want….!
I really want to know why they called out my name. Did they think I was the lazy dumb of the lot or they thought me to be sensible…?! Whatever?!
So, we started walking with one nerd far ahead of us…! Shouting my name, and asking me where the hills are? I said, we will walk towards the hills taking stand on another nerd, who said we go near the hills and walk back.
Now, this nerd was more smarter than the others…calling out loud slogans, “Darr Ke Aage Jeet Hai, come on Kavitha, let’s go…”
I was wondering what do I do now…? People had already vouched for him and his slogan acting on their manhood made them follow him…some sane person said, ‘No let’s go the reverse direction, then the hills in picture…’and what not.
There were a few people who wanted to sit still in the darkness and have a long drawn inhalation…I Wondering what to do with these people. Walking was at least a better idea in the wilderness, sitting no…!
Then they found a lamp post and sat around it with the lantern in between and started the non-inhalers lung to damage more…!!
People could not take the foolishness more…If the walk wasn’t enough people were asking for topics of discussions under the lantern light and wilderness as if it was a Great Day Light and discussions would make them wiser than they are…!!
I also gave a topic as if I did not want to be left out…!
Some people got bored or irritated with the inhalers walked off and started getting back…later it was reconciled as it always happens, the manager apologized on behalf of the inhalers and promised it won’t happen again and pulled us all together till 1.30 am in the morning and then split to sleep…!
Day one spent; equally good…we went to take the second day in full josh starting from 6.30 in the morning…!! I came to know that the hills that we wanted to walk to the previous night was just a Mound on Earth…and it was just a little ahead of where we sat down and dispersed…!
What a luck, we had…!
The day two was equally fun with real water this time at the river side at the Dubbare Elephant Camp and the frolic in the bus. The dark desire of dancing with the most beautiful girls in the bus, was kick started by Raghu, who was silent for most of the time.
I guess, he had a plan scheming in his mind for long and then finally, he set into action, like the Rajinikanth dialogue, – ‘Late Ah Vanthalum Latest Varuvom’ – meaning, “Even if it is the end of things, I can still do wonders…!”
He had the privilege of dancing with three beauties back-to-back…and leaving a smile on envy on other faces who could not do it…even after expressing the desire. Raghu had really schemed it well…he said, as innocently as he could, he was about to get off…and with the flow of a romantic song started dancing with the beauties and the beauties are to be appreciated as if they were waiting for the chance…got up from the seats and gave him a roll….! 🙂
Finally, it was Prakash who could not get his desire full filled….! Slowly the momentum set in and everybody had their share of dance, with the girl….!! 🙂
A very good trip ended with making a whole load of friends…and enemies as some could dance and some could not…some called the other brother and became a sister…!
The whole trip was exciting and as I could not ask for more, I was voted as the Runner-Up for the title of Ms.Project, which was least expected by me. I was happy to be beaten off only by a minimal margin of another three votes. Did not know, I could gather so many votes…I was surprised and still am.
As soon I got off…the pain and tiredness that was hid in the laughter came into existence and all I wanted to was to hit the hay as soon as I got back…!
It’s an old habit of hers, she had let go of it and had even been successful in conquering it. But today she seemed to be not bothered about it. Her instinct was to hug him, but something came in between and she just could only held his hand in such tight grip that almost the blood flow in his veins seemed to seize and the hand going numb.
She held on to it till the lighting completed the cycle and it roared somewhere rear again and only the light could be seen.
In that stream of light the place looked heavenly and she looked heavenly and the closeness of her gave him a heady state of happiness that he wanted to delve and swallow the pleasures of the moment. He knew she would not be there tomorrow morning and there will no other chance like this and he was almost tempted to swallow her alive and be in that state of bliss.
But his ethics did not allow him to do anything beyond the numbness of the hand that was beginning to pain…slowly.
She seemed to relax a little and then lighten the grip…the blood flowed into the veins and the tickling sensation started to engulf the arm. He gave a mild sigh of relief and was trying to ease out the tickling sensation, when she heard his sigh and spurted a sorry to him.
She even rubbed her hand against his arm to ease the flow of blood and unknowing she was moving it up and down the whole length of the arm. The arm she could have held and had been more than safe in them. Alas, now it is not hers and there have been so many years that have passed and things have changed. She is no more the pleasing beauty of twenties or him the handsome guy.
Age has played its galore and the beauty that was once rendering is now reduced to some visible wrinkles and rather drying skin.
She playfully rests her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes and takes in a fresh breath of air from the cold and chilling wind.
He slowly puts an arm around her and tries to warm her up in his embrace…they slowly get up and walk into the house and he closes the door behind and they reach the room on the top floor.
The silence is too much to bear…the beating of the hearts that beat as one, the croaking noises of the frogs outdoor, the rain slashing against the windows, the swaying trees, the howling sound of the wind, the lashing water, the relentless night, the chillness, the warmth inside, the terrible smell of dampness, the shimmering fireplace, the dancing candles, the captured smiles, the absolute darkness, the racing mind and the desire of it being the single and long lasting night.
“I love you” he whispered in her ear and she melted in the thought, he turned around and kissed her on her lips…and the magic seemed to flow.
There is no stopping today, whatsoever…there is no one who can hold on to the pleasure of life…and there is no one to say if it was right or wrong.
There is no right and wrong action, till it is done even if it done, can it be proved from what point it was wrong or right.
What about the things that did not happen? Does it mean they are righteous actions? The actions that have occurred, does it mean they are wrong?
Who is it that decides if an occurrence is right or wrong? It is the people who are involved in the action or the people outside the action.
What is natural, can the action be stopped from occurring or is it fair to stop the occurrence and resume the same at some other time or some other place?
What is the course of an action, unless is it spent and done?
The night seemed to roll into one big endless night of roaring and merciless pouring matching with the restlessness and the eagerness inside the house.
There was sullenness everywhere and there was pain, pleasure and happiness rolled into one big package and she lay rested and spent in his arms and all the years of separation melted into this one night.
There was no past or future…there was that one moment of bliss and nothing much. There was perfect harmony and life seemed to flow in relentless ebb of emotions and it was considered to be the longest and biggest nights of all the years to come.
She turns over and hugs a pillow and says, “I am dead tired and I don’t know why. At this age, when I am supposed to be counting my days, I am romancing. She giggles and dozes off into a very peaceful sleep, like there is no tomorrow.
He looks at her and is reminded of her act of hugging a pillow and sleeping while she is sleeping, smiles at that action of hers, pulls the rug over her and tugs it at the sides of her and allows her to sleep, as he sits watching her from a chair beside the bed…with the candles burning along with him.
He wakes up with the call of the birds and the morning sounds of life…he had dozed off sitting against in the chair, looking at her.
He looks at her still blissfully sleeping and decides to go the kitchen to make a warm cup of coffee, and pulling the blinds to make the sun rays fall into the house. The sun had started shining in as if the rain from yesterday’s night did not hinder it.
The sun shone between the leaves of the trees and made a heavenly look to the whole garden that was spread across. He started humming a famous song of the 80’s and he used to sing it to her when they were in college. He goes to kitchen pulls out a packet of milk and sets it to boil.
He puts on the player, a small player in the kitchen to listen to his favorite song as he goes about the mundane job of preparing a meal for himself all alone in that house of his.
He is all excited about the night as it had unfolded and the day as it is going to unfold. He was excited at the fact that she is at last with him and it was exciting to have her with him forever, that is what at lease he expects her to do, now.
The thought brings a smile and laughter, he gets the coffee done, and he walks with the tray, laden with cups of freshly brewed coffee, he walks up to her, with the song from the kitchen echoing in the house and in her heart adding a bounce to his walk.
The song, “Kabhie Kabhie Mere Dil Mein….” reverberates through the house with a wonderful memory attached to it.
He walks up to her, places the tray on the table next to the bed and puts a hand to her shoulder and tries to wake her up.
He finds her body extremely chill and dead cold. He wonders what’s wrong and slowly turns her over from the side to face him up right. Her face is pale, her lips turned into a smile and a wonderful face that is quite.
He can’t believe what he saw and what his mind is telling him, he reluctantly puts his hand against her forehead and finds it dead cold.
No, his mind screams…her moves his hand across to the nostrils to find the breath moving in and out, no trace of it, he puts his ear against her heart and finds it not beating, he lifts her and it falls lifeless….!!!
No…No…No…this can’t be true…he is shattered. He kneels down and holds her palm and looks into that face, which does not seem to have been hindered by anything at all. It is so peaceful in the sleep that waking up is impossibility.
He slowly, looks away and wonders what does he do now? He gathers himself and slowly accepting the reality gets on to do what he has to do? He hears a knock at the door and knows who it will be.
He walks to the phone and dials a number…for the second time.
“Hello, Balu here. Who is it?”
“I am not sure if you know me. I am Chris, calling from Kodaikanal.”
“Is she alright? I was worried; she did not return h…o…m…e…!! I hope everything is fine.”
“I guess, we have lost her forever…”
A dead silence prevails over and none of them talk, either side of the phone, you can hear a lonely wall clock ticking away to tell man about the future that is nearing and the sounds of the outside world….!
“I will be there in an hour’s time. Please, take care of her.”
He does not know what to do or what to not do. He just sits in the corner of the house; with tears rolling down his cheek uncontrollably…it was a silent whimper.
He heard a knock long back, had completely forgotten about it. He opens the door to find the driver there, he sends him off saying he needs to be back in at his employers house and the madam will return in the latter half of the day. His wait does not seem to end; he is waiting for the owner to reclaim his possession.
“Oh! God, why did I get such a fate?” Thinking and crying had made him vulnerable and tired he dozes off in the sofa waiting for him to arrive.
There is a knock on the door and he gets up to open it to find the owner there, standing tall and bold reclaiming his possession.
They quietly, move into the bedroom…he looks at her and then him.
He walks out and gives them a moment of private.
He gathers her from the neck and shoulders by the right hand and with the left he holds her legs and starts walking down the steps. It is not easy, she has never been so heavy…it is difficult. The uneasiness in the descent, he halts on the way.
He comes forward to help him, but is being ignored. He walks past him and puts her on to the car seat next to him as always, only today she is lifeless.
He walks back to him, puts his hand forward for a shake.
“I am taking my wife with me. She was my life and will always be mine. Goodbye, I hope things will return to normal for us.”
Chris is standing on the porch and the car just leaves the house, in a silence that was heard even after miles down the lane.