Again…

Oh My God! I am back! Again? Ya! Sort of! Or maybe not! Don’t know!  This winter has lasted too long, and whenever I try… to sprout my head, out of my shitty hole…to come out of hibernation and walk my strides…there comes a huge gust of chilly, exasperating wind, which forces me to grab my tail between my legs and get back into that hole again…back to my sleep…away from the world which is fighting this blood freezing gust …and doing what they have to do…doing what it takes to feel alive. Whilst me? Me is happily snoring… blowing the winds out of my snout…lost in the merriness of the wonderland of my dreams …Sometimes I do have nightmares …quite frightening ones…but only sometimes…and I make sure to let them whizz off… to be profoundly lost into my wonderland…again!

I guess, I am not the only one who does so…I guess, I am not the only one dreaming…I guess, I am not the only one who is in that shitty hole…I guess, there are only a few, out there, walking in this blizzard…I guess, only a few keep walking.

I have always wondered…and probably will be left bewildered… about what it takes to keep walking. How come those who do it, are able to do it? What do they have for breakfast? Or what do they not have for breakfast? Where they muster the courage to walk? How are they able to fight this winter? What is the force that drives them? Can that force be bestowed onto us? Or is it something they are born with? Did their mothers have some extra dose of some secret serums that made them what they are? Where did these mothers get the secret recipe from? I do not believe that the winter made them strong…I am experiencing the same winter, and I do not even think of daring to fight it. It has to be some drive within them…some need, some want…which makes them stand out and walk…and I wonder again…When will I have that need? When will I have that desire? Or…Is it that they have the capability to convert some simple desires into something extraordinary for themselves that makes them larger than life? How do they do it then? What the heck is it it? Will anyone be ever able to give this ‘it’ a name? When will we, the non-Einstein, daft and dippy breed of men, be ever able to understand the mettle and endeavour it takes to stand up and fight? I mean is it really possible to teach those qualities? If it was so, we have been taught…We have read…heck! We have even had experiences about those great men and their great deeds…still…we stay lost…Lost in the crowd of a gazillion similar faces…Lost, becoming just another ordinary face…and I guess, here lies a little explanation of all the queries my brain keeps bombarding me with…I guess, the reason why only a few are great, remembered and followed, is because not everyone can be great…not everyone can achieve what they have achieved.

But again…this explanation is a mere consolation for losers…for people like me who have never even dared to take the first step…to break their shells and feel the brunt…face on. I wish to do all this… There is something within me which keeps telling me, that I do not belong here…in this stuffy place where I cannot even strtch my arms…in this place where no one understands me…in this dark, soggy surrounding…in this hole.  There’s a voice within me that points at me and says that I have taken a lot of wrong steps, in the wrong direction…I am clueless about my next step, once again, as I have quite often been..What is inhibiting me to turn around and start…I do not know! My playground is that snow laden field with wind ripping my skin off, its gust deafening me and the snow blinding me.   …I wish to break out…I wish to stand tall…I want to act…I want to walk…  

I ask (to whom I do not know) the same question…again…which Bob Dylan asked in 1963…

How many roads must a man walk down,

Before they call him a man?

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The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind

The answer is blowing in the wind

(Is It??)